you have been (and you will be)
by cyclothimic
Summary: "Felicity?" / She didn't know who to call. John had his wife and his kid to cherish, especially after everything that had happened. Thea had her own daddy issues to deal with. Captain Lance was working. The only person she wanted to hold her and soothe her and celebrate with her was the one person she couldn't help but be repulsed at. She didn't know who else to call.
**because last episode was preposterous and medically impossible and instead of crying for three weeks straight i'm laughing because what the fuck so i had to fix it i just had to (also i love felicity and laurel friendship a lot so) ((and laurel deserves an apology god fucking damn it))**

* * *

 _The greatest lie about love is that it sets you free_

 _-Zadie Smith (On Beauty)_

* * *

"Felicity?"

She didn't know who to call. John had his wife and his kid to cherish, especially after everything that had happened. Thea had her own daddy issues to deal with. Captain Lance was working. The only person she wanted to hold her and soothe her and celebrate with her was the one person she couldn't help but be repulsed at. She didn't know who else to call.

And the pain in her back, in her thighs, in her legs, it was taking over her ability to walk again and forcing her to sit on the bench, weirdly scrutinized by the security guard. She wanted to force a smile but the only thing she could muster was a grimace because _god_ , it hurt. She would have gone back for the wheelchair if it wasn't for the fact that she had to make her point.

"Felicity, are you there?"

Her fingers trembled, almost dropping her phone in the process. She took a deep shuddering breath, trying to keep from making any alarming noise. "Laurel," she whispered. She breathed a weak laugh when she heard Laurel audibly sighed in relief. "Laurel, I need you to come to my building," she forced between gritted teeth. "And bring some painkillers."

"Your building as in your place or Palmer Tech?" Laurel asked. Felicity could already hear hurried shuffling in the background and muttered excuses.

Felicity would have taken pride in the fact that apparently, she had _two_ buildings now, if it wasn't for the increasing jolts of shock to her back. "The loft," she clarified. She couldn't say _her_ place because…it wasn't a home if it was filled with weak excuses and unforgivable lies.

"Okay, I'll be there in twenty."

* * *

She had dreamed. God, _had_ she dreamed. Of moving her legs out of the wheelchair supports; of standing up on her own two feet; of wearing a beautiful white gown with a veil; of walking down the aisle to the one man she was so sure she wanted to spend the rest of her life with; of not being afraid to have children without causing damage.

She dreamed of a life and of children and of a pseudo family with the team.

She was so sure that she was going to get that, _finally_. Oliver was the certain point in her life; Team Arrow was the family she never asked for; and she was _happy_. She got to establish her intelligence thanks to Ray's company. She got to wake up next to the man she loved. She got to repair her relationship with her mother. She thought she had it all.

William and Samantha were the unexpected variables that shifted everything off course. She guessed she had them to thank, for making her see that Oliver hadn't changed as much as she had thought he would, for proving her mother right.

She was so well on her way to at least see from his point of view and understand what kind of position he was put in. She wanted to make things right. She didn't want to allow Oliver's stupidity to ruin something that most people never had. She was so ready to fix things with him and talk to him. She didn't want to let this go.

However, as much as she loved him, as much as she wanted to be with him, she couldn't be with a man who could do the same thing to their kids what her father did to her. She couldn't. She made a promise to herself that whichever man she married in the future, she would make sure that he wasn't someone who could do something her father did to her.

But then Oliver _sent_ William away. He had the audacity to do that without even asking her or tell her about it. They were _supposed_ to be _partners_. She didn't think Oliver had grasped the full meaning of what being partners meant.

* * *

"Here." Laurel handed her a blanket which Felicity took gratefully and draped over her lap. Laurel then sat down next to her on the couch, facing her. "You feel better?"

Felicity had made it into the elevator before the gravity of the situation caught up to her and reality set in, sending her into a myriad of sensations that she hadn't felt since the shooting – that she _never_ thought she would ever feel again.

She had worked so hard in physical therapy with Paul so she could get her legs working, so she could walk down the aisle to accept the ring from Oliver on their wedding day. Who knew that the first steps she took would be to get away from him, instead of to him?

Felicity nodded. "Yeah, thanks for the painkillers."

"How did…" Laurel hesitated, scratching her temple and then gesturing at her folded legs. "How did this happen?"

Felicity followed Laurel's gaze to her covered legs and huffed a humorless laugh. She explained everything to her, which only gained her a sympathetic look from her friend. Felicity could only smile sadly and mourn the end of her relationship.

"We could join a club, you know," she added. Laurel frowned, confused. "You, me, Sara, Samantha and god knows how many other women; we could make a club and call it _Scorned by Oliver Queen_ club. And then we'd go out every Friday night and complain about him and throw darts at his face."

"Felicity," Laurel breathed.

She shook her head vigorously and looked away. "It's a shame you can't drink alcohol after painkillers." It took her a moment to realize the gravitas of her words and then she looked back to Laurel quickly with guilt and apology. "Oh crap, I'm so sorry, Laurel. God, I didn't…I forgot about the –"

"Hey," Laurel stopped her, putting a hand on top of hers with a reassuring smile, "it's okay. I get it."

"How do you do it?" Felicity asked. "I mean, Oliver has done more wrong to you than he has to me but, how do you _do it_?"

Because Felicity couldn't. She was a self-admittedly forgiving person but she just couldn't forgive _this_ , not that easily. Granted, she did understand Oliver's position. She knew him so well that she knew he would do anything to protect his family, and it was his _son_ , for god's sake.

Instinctively, she was already starting to love William. Samantha had shown her a picture of him and Felicity could recognize the _Oliver_ in the boy, making her inadvertently smile with pride and adoration when she first saw the picture. The boy was a part of Oliver and she couldn't _not_ love him. And it hurt her to think that she didn't even get a chance to meet him and introduce herself because Oliver sent them away.

She had called John in the car as Laurel drove over to her place, because if she was feeling so bad, she couldn't imagine how Oliver must be feeling. And as much as she hated him, she loved him so much to not want to make him go through this alone.

"Felicity, you know I'm not _the_ best person for the job," John had iterated when she requested for him to check on Oliver.

John was the closest person to a brother for her. And aside from Oliver, he was the one who knew her best. And she knew he knew what she was asking from him. She loved him for even trying, even though he knew that she needed this. "John," she pleaded quietly.

He sighed. "Alright," he had agreed. "I want to see you tomorrow."

"John –"

"Felicity," he cut her off, gentler and softer, "a lot has happened. And Oliver can't be the only one in jeopardy right now. I just want to see you and make sure you're okay."

What did she ever do to deserve him? "Okay."

"You know, sometimes the only way to forgive a person is when you know you don't love them that way anymore," Laurel explained with a regretful grimace. "I've seen enough to know that you two would never be able to stop loving each other no matter how much it hurts."

"I wish you would lie."

Laurel raised her brows. "After everything, do you really wish to hear another one?"

She smiled. "No," she agreed.

Laurel shifted closer to her, laying a hand on her shoulder and rubbing gently with her thumb. "I think you should take some time off, from the lair." Felicity watched her. "Maybe a couple of days to gather yourself. We could do a couple of days without you. You deserve it. You can stay here for however long you want. Sara won't mind you taking her bed. And don't worry; I'll give Oliver a good talking to." She laughed at Laurel's attempt. "And I'm not saying that Oliver didn't do anything wrong because trust me, I was pretty damn upset too when I found out that one of his cheating ventures ended up with a 10 year old kid being kidnapped by our archenemy."

"Oh Laurel," Felicity whispered.

"Yeah, turns out even though I don't love him anymore, it still hurts." Laurel forced a smile. "But my point is that my father made a deal with the devil to protect me so I guess, I kind of see where he was coming from. A father will do anything to protect his kid."

"Even sending them away, depriving them of any fatherly love?" Felicity questioned.

"Men think of the craziest ways to protect the people they love. Remember when he refused to be with you because he thought that would keep you unharmed?"

"I just…I don't know, Laurel." The clog in her throat began to dislodge and the force she had to exert to keep the tears back was in vain when she started talking. She sniffled and cleared her throat. "I don't know what I want or what I need anymore. Everything just _hurts_ and it's all because of him but I still…even _now_ , I still hope that he would hold me and comfort me and take away the pain. I still want to hear him say he loves me every chance he gets. I want to tell _him_ I love him because I _do_. I don't even…I _love_ him so much and –"

As soon as her tears burst, Laurel reached forward and pulled her into her arms, cradling her head under her chin just like she did when Felicity looked for her after Oliver stayed in Nanda Parbat. She bawled into Laurel's shoulder, letting her emotions flow in free motion for the first time since she learned about William. She held onto her friend tightly and cried into the night.

"It's going to be okay, Felicity," Laurel comforted. "You're one of the strongest people I know and you will get through this. I promise. We will all be here for you."

When Felicity cried herself to sleep, Thea came back, not at all surprised to see Felicity there. Laurel asked for her help to carry the woman into the spare bedroom. They helped change her into more comfortable clothing and tuck her in, removing her glasses and untying her hair.

"They'll get pass this, right?" Thea asked the older woman, staring at the sleeping blonde.

Laurel heaved a sigh and shrugged. "I don't know, Thea. But I sure hope they will."

* * *

 **so i heard this rumor that laurel will be the one in the grave and i refuse to believe it because i love laurel too much**

 **(by the way can you guys explain to me why some of you hate laurel so much like do you guys know that it's possible to ship olicity and love laurel at the same time like seriously)**

 **also, i totally think felicity did right by walking away from oliver and oliver totally deserves it because dude**

 **i even wrote a long rant about it take a look feliciquake-tumblr-com/post/139963203622/im-so-tired-of-everyone-so-easily-seeing-things**


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